Aloneness, Loneliness, Deep Deep Aloneness
I've been alone for 3 years now. Sometimes everything feels fine. Not all the time. Not the last day or so.
Will there ever be anyone
Will there ever be anyone
Will there ever be anyone
for me
Not just anyone
Will there be someone
for me
Someone to be with, to share with, and when I feel down, just to be there.
A piece I wrote years ago comes to mind:
Are you my match
so the fire can catch
from a spark to a flash
to wood burning to ash
...
There's wood for three years
Dry, ready to light
But where is the match
so the fire may catch ... more
I know that the feeling of loneliness goes away.
And so does the feeling of despair - despair because it's not easy, getting my creative stuff and idea stuff out into the world.
Still, sometimes the well runs dry - the well of energy, of hope.
I'm not all alone, actually - there are people around me, with me. But in some ways, alone. And it's the aloneness that's gotten to me over the last day or so.
I went dancing last night with a friend. The third time I've gone dancing over the past couple of months. The other times - such fun. This time - a heaviness in me. I did dance. It felt good to dance. But a lot of me wasn't fully into it.
I sat and watched, some of the time. Couples. Friends.
Funny, I'm less lonely now. Somehow, though "nothing" has changed, the feeling has changed.
That feels good.
Time for good night.
Elsa
June 9, 2012
****
The Daily Miracle
Morning. Outside sunshine. And inside, good feeling.
That is my daily miracle - the way sleep resets mood. So I wake up, and things feel do-able, possible.
It doesn't happen quite every day - but most days, it does.
It's something I'm very grateful for..
Elsa
June 10, 2012, 6:30 in the morning
****
Giving Up, Not Giving Up
Last night, tired, feeling very alone, Holocaust survivors came to mind. They could see, so many have said, when someone gave up and would soon die.
My thought: I know that, massively, people had no choice - they were being starved to death. And much more.
My next thought: amazing that anyone hung on.
I sometimes find it hard, keeping going when things don't quite come together, year after year.
I do go on though.
My deepest respect to those who kept on, did not give up.
Elsa
June 10, 2012, 9:00 in the morning, a sunny day ahead of me, much to do
previous next
Loneliness - an old ... the right word isn't friend.
Anyway, here's another loneliness blog.
But there isn't just one loneliness blog after another.
Here's a blog about joy.
But what is next? What comes after
this loneliness blog?
A blog on some tiny kittens -
very alive, very vulnerable.
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