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NARCISSISM - and ISLAM and THE RAGING LEFT
I'm writing to you because I've just done a lot of exploration of narcissism - the narcissistic personality disorder, to use a technical term. A key feature of narcissism is vindictive rage under surface charm. No empathy, no reasoning. Dishonesty, manipulation. Islam and the Left come readily to mind.
A bit more detail. Narcissistic rage surfaces when the person is contradicted, criticized or shown to be wrong. There's an extreme raging reaction to difference of opinion or to not getting their way. There's also vengefulness. And dishonesty - using a shred of fact as the basis for a story that is out of line with the mass of the evidence. All this is likely to be coated by an initial surface pleasantness, even charm. In other words, there's often a good front that takes in many people. Then come rage and vindictiveness, directed at individuals, intended to destroy the individuals.
Over and over I read: Don't walk, run!! Get away and stay away!!
Unfortunately, we can't do that with either Islam or the Left.
By the way, there is, in Islam, a positive term for what is identified, in the West, as narcissistic rage: Ghira. This is a high status response in the face of a logical argument.
There has seemingly been a huge change in the West. It used to be that anger was looked down upon, especially in the Anglo-Saxon world. Blowing up was widely seen as a weakness, as something to be ashamed of. Now vindictive rage is the weapon of choice
of the Left, as it traditionally was and still is with Islam. Rage was, in the West, traditionally used by those against human rights - against racial equality, gay rights, etc. Quite some seeming switch. But it's not really a switch: the current Left is NOT for human rights - just see the rage against dissenting opinions, against freedom of speech.
At the end, there's an image contrasting the attitude to rage in Islam and the Left - vs rage in the traditional West
Very soon, my findings on narcissism. But first, a few days ago, I found a kitten, about 3 weeks old. Eyes glued shut from a bit of infection, unable to eat on its own or to pee on its own. Within a day, the eyes could open. Yesterday he figured out how to eat without help (though he did insist on putting his front paws into the kitten formula). Today he figured out what kitty litter is for. Here he is - Squeakers:
And now, the findings on narcissism (loads and loads of findings!!) - starting with the Dark Triad.
Responses welcome - especially any successful strategies for neutralizing narcissists. I will post them next week.
IDENTIFYING AND NEUTRALIZING NARCISSISTS
A dirty dozen test to detect narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy
Lurking beneath the surface of people who use others to their own advantage is psychology's "Dark Triad." Defined as a set of traits that include the tendency to seek admiration and special treatment (otherwise known as narcissism), to be callous and insensitive (psychopathy) and to manipulate others (Machiavellianism), the Dark Triad is rapidly becoming a new focus of personality psychology.
"[T]he Dark Triad as a whole can be thought of as a short-term, agentic, exploitative social strategy..." (p. 420). This means, in simpler terms, that people who show these qualities are trying to get away with acting out against others in order to achieve their own ends. Each of the individual qualities alone can make life difficult for those who know people like this. Combined, the Dark Triad traits in another person close to you can be detrimental to your mental health.
When someone gets in their way, they act out aggressively to take what they want. Oddly enough, although their self-esteem doesn't seem to be either higher or lower than others, people who score high on the Dark Triad qualities have an unstable view of themselves. Perhaps reflecting the aggressiveness inherent in the Dark Triad, these tendencies are more likely to be shown by men, particularly those who are high on psychopathy and Machiavellianism.
[Y]ou can also rate yourself on these qualities to see how you measure up:
• I tend to manipulate others to get my way.
• I tend to lack remorse.
• I tend to want others to admire me.
• I tend to be unconcerned with the morality of my actions.
• I have used deceit or lied to get my way.
• I tend to be callous or insensitive.
• I have used flattery to get my way.
• I tend to seek prestige or status.
• I tend to be cynical.
• I tend to exploit others toward my own end.
• I tend to expect special favors from others.
• I want others to pay attention to me.
narcissism: pervasive need for attention and admiration, as well as a lack of concern or empathy for others.
narcissists: feel a need to control co-workers, projects and situations around them, and they can be manipulative, spinning situations and facts to make it appear that others around them are the problem, not them.
• Arrogant and self-centered, they expect special treatment and privileges.
• They can be charismatic, articulate and funny.
• They are likely to disrespect boundaries and the privacy of others.
• They can be patronizing and critical of others but unwilling or unable to accept criticism or disagreement.
• Likely to be anxiety-stricken or paranoid, they may exhibit violent, rage-like reactions when they can't control a situation or their behaviors have been exposed.
• They are apt to set others up for failure or pit co-workers against one another.
• They can be cruel and abusive to some co-workers, often targeting one person at a time until he quits.
• They may need an ongoing "narcissist supply" of people who they can easily manipulate and who will do whatever they suggest – including targeting a co-worker – without question.
• They are often charming and innocent in front of managers.
Steps to deal with a narcissist personality type in the workplace include documenting what you observe and get complaints about, and not being afraid to go to HR and say, "This is what I'm seeing and this is what people are bringing to me."
It often starts as a series of complaints to line managers, then to an HR representative. Once there are enough [complaints], they go to HR, and HR will implore a manager to document what they see as well as come and observe firsthand themselves.
HR has to play back what [the narcissistic individual] did wrong using a calm approach. Establish firm boundaries with timely progressive consequences from the first complaint received. Follow up to see if behaviors appear to be improving or if they are getting worse.
People's behavior patterns typically don't change unless they get help.
Up to one-third of a narcissist's victims in the workplace will quit the company or transfer to another department if nothing is done by the department manager or HR to stop the situation.
Once a narcissist's behaviors are observed and documented, they can become even more cruel and offensive to others, as they no longer can hide their behaviors and rationalize them away or project their shortcomings onto others.
The key is observing, documenting and taking swift action each and every time so the narcissist knows their cruel behaviors will not be tolerated in the workplace.
You may not be able to outsmart a narcissist, but what you can do, however, is much more powerful, and wonderful, and that is to grow stronger and smarter, more courageous and real from the experience.
Secret number 1: Only a narcissist finds sheer pleasure in competing to outsmart another in the use of cruel- or chaos-causing tactics.
Theoretically, it may be "possible" to outsmart them, however, why would you want to? To outsmart a narcissist, you'd have to play by their rules, in which case, you could find yourself stuck in a vicious game, or worse, a hellish war zone.
[T]he thought that someone is trying to outsmart them would totally energize a narcissist to go into battle. There's nothing they'd enjoy more than a fight to prove who's superior, who can outdo, conquer and dominate.
[Y]our first step is to set an intention to disallow their tactics from wasting your energy and emotional resources. Why waste precious energy and time? Don't even try! Instead, identify the patterns they have, and learn to respond in ways that neutralize any power they have over you. In other words, learn how to repel rather than attract narcissism, to protect your happiness, growth and wellbeing. Never compete to outdo them; leave this "thrill" to other narcissists.
Secret number 2: From a narcissist's vantage point, like it or not, you are viewed as a fierce competitor — and your relationship is an ongoing competition.
A narcissist is hyper-alert around the clock, looking for signs that you're trying to take over, subvert their will, dominate, render them powerless, and so on.
They're competing at such high levels that they'd rather self destruct than have you beat them.
To attempt to "outsmart" a narcissist means you'd have to go down to their low emotional frequency (fear), which would be akin to two apes fighting over turf. Unless your goal is to destroy another's sense of worth, just for sheer pleasure, and also view this as an entitlement and "proof" your superiority, stay out of that trench!
[T]he narcissist needs regular assurance that you're not competing, that you have no interest in proving who's better, who's right versus wrong, who has more power, etc. Remind yourself to be present, centered, authentic, confident when assuring them — and stay out of emotions of scorn, and other low-level energies, such as scolding one another like a parent would a child.
Secret number 3: The means they use to to crush another's esteem or plans .. are the end game.
To a narcissist, it's a game of war, and in a war, you're fighting "unto death" for supremacy rights over the other. In battle, staying in the fight is what grants you honor, and without honor, you have no image, thus, do not exist. In this mode, not only are they numb to their own pain and yours, the thought of taking down an opponent a notch or two, likely also releases pleasure and reward chemicals, such as dopamine.
[T]he narcissist is not a "safe" person.
Let them know, calmly and detached that, . . . "this won't work for you" or "it's unhealthy for both" approach.
Your real need is not to outsmart a narcissist. It is to evolve and awaken so that you no longer are impacted or hooked by the narcissist's false self
Self-control is the answer to not allowing this abuse.
Mindful self-control, and boundaries, along with disengaging the Cluster B personality disordered around you, is the best and only way to protect yourself by not protecting yourself. If you try to protect yourself beyond within yourself, you will invariably be giving the Cluster B personality person(s) that supply and fuel they want to abusively steal from you. They do not care about you as a human being at all. They will take whatever you will let them.
Working on your self-control is the best way to ensure that you have no leaks of your own energy or feelings that they can feed off of which just then emboldens them to keep pumping you as an object of supply.
Refuse to participate. You have the power inside to keep your energy, your emotions, your empathy, all of your wonderful attributes and your healthy character to and for yourself.
That is the ultimate way to beat anyone with a Cluster B personality disorder. And, we really do not need to seek to beat them, or get revenge, we simply need to know the pleasure, joy, and peace of successfully being in control of ourselves and our own energy, emotions, and not reacting to those who seek to abuse reactions out of us.
8 Ways to Handle a Narcissist
How to keep your own emotions in check when dealing with difficult people
Not all narcissists are created alike, so the way you choose to handle one in your life should be based on which type you're dealing with. University of Nottingham psychologist Vincent Egan and collaborators (2014), questioned a sample of over 850 online participants to determine the relationship between subjective well-being and narcissistic personality tendencies.
Previous researchers have distinguished between "vulnerable" and "grandiose" narcissistic types:
• A vulnerable narcissist's outward shell of self-centeredness and self-absorption masks a weak inner core.
• In contrast, grandiose narcissists truly believe in their own greatness—and they may even be almost as good as they think they are.
Both are varieties of narcissism, but particularly those of the grandiose type may share the larger "Dark Triad" traits, along with so-called "Machiavellianism" (manipulativeness) and psychopathy (lack of remorse and empathy).
Comparing the two groups of narcissists, Egan and colleagues found that the grandiose narcissists tended to be happier, more extroverted, and more emotionally stable. The vulnerable narcissists were less agreeable, less emotionally stable, and higher in the other Dark Triad traits of manipulativeness and psychopathy.
With these findings as background, let's examine ways that you can manage your own emotions when you're dealing with people high in narcissism:
• Determine which type you're dealing with. Vulnerable narcissists don't feel particularly good about themselves at heart. In contrast to grandiose narcissists, they're less "out there" with their emotions, and so you might not realize when they're undercutting you or getting in your way.
• Acknowledge your annoyance.
• Appreciate where the behavior comes from. Vulnerable narcissists need to make themselves feel better about themselves, which is why they can become sneaky and undercutting. They may question your authority just to create mischief. Once you recognize that they are coming from a place of insecurity, you can provide them with just enough reassurance to get them to settle down and focus on what needs to be done. Too much reassurance and you'll fan their egocentric flames, but the right amount will allow them to calm down and get to the task at hand.
• Evaluate the context. Narcissism is not an all-or-nothing personality trait.
• Maintain a positive outlook. If you are dealing with narcissists who derive pleasure from watching others suffer, then seeing the pain they cause will only egg them on to more aggressive counter-behavior. Don't look ruffled, even if you're feeling annoyed, . . .
• Don't let yourself get derailed. It's easy to lose your own sense of purpose or goals when a narcissist tries to take center stage. Don't let yourself get derailed. It's easy to lose your own sense of purpose or goals when a narcissist tries to take center stage. . . . If it's a grandiose type of narcissist, you may want to acknowledge his or her feelings but then move on anyhow.
• Keep your sense of humor. Calling a narcissist's bluff may mean that you ignore the person, but it might also mean that you meet that bluff with a laugh at least once in a while. Without being cruel about it, you can point to the inappropriateness of the person's egocentric behavior with a smile or joke. This would be particularly appropriate for the grandiose type of narcissist, who will probably find it entertaining and possibly instructive.
• Recognize that the person may need help.
Assuming that you can't simply fire them, how can you get the best work from them while keeping them from torturing you and the rest of your team? . . .
• Leverage the fact that narcissists like to be associated with higher status people. Make sure that you keep your distance and demand the respect your position merits. Show them that you are wired into people at the top by communicating that your actions are directly supported by your boss and specific senior executives in your organization whom you identify by name.
• Recognize that narcissists are generally not good team players since there are few people whom they consider their equals. If you do have to put them on a team, place them on one with people whom they admire and consider high status.
• Stick to the rules. Narcissists are likely to push you for special favors and to ask you to bend the rules for them. Make sure you don't cave in to their demands.
• Protect your other reports. Narcissists often step forward to claim the glory when things go well so make sure that you know who really deserves credit. As part of this, design incentives that reward teamwork and cooperation rather than individual work.
2 Ways to Cope with a Vindictive Narcissist
Narcissists are often vindictive and they often stalk and harass.
Basically, there are only two ways of coping with vindictive narcissists:
1. To Frighten Them
Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression, envy and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone is like them. As a result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared and erratic. Frightening the narcissist is a powerful behavior modification tool. If sufficiently deterred, the narcissist promptly disengages, gives up everything he was fighting for and sometimes make amends.
To act effectively, one has to identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them, until the narcissist lets go and vanishes.
If a narcissist is hiding a personal fact, one should use this to threaten him. One should drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. The narcissist has a very vivid imagination. Let his imagination do the rest.
The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, in malpractice, in child abuse, in infidelity, there are so many possibilities, which offer a rich vein of attack. If done cleverly, non-committally, gradually, in an escalating manner, the narcissist crumbles, disengages and disappears. He lowers his profile thoroughly in the hope of avoiding hurt and pain. Most narcissists have been known to disown and abandon a whole PNS (pathological narcissistic space) in response to a well-focused campaign by their victims. Thus, a narcissist may leave town, change a job, desert a field of professional interest, avoid friends and acquaintances, only to secure a cessation of the unrelenting pressure exerted on him by his victims.
I repeat: most of the drama takes place in the paranoid mind of the narcissist. His imagination runs amok. He finds himself snarled by horrifying scenarios, pursued by the vilest "certainties". The narcissist is his own worst persecutor and prosecutor.
You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. The narcissist will do the rest for you. He is like a little child in the dark, generating the very monsters that paralyze him with fear.
Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way, they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offenses.
2. To Lure Them
The other way to neutralize a vindictive narcissist is to offer him continued narcissistic supply until the war is over and won by you. Dazzled by the drug of narcissistic supply, the narcissist immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly takes over his "property" and "territory".
Under the influence of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is unable to tell when he is being manipulated. He is blind, dumb and deaf to all but the song of the NS sirens. You can make a narcissist do ANYTHING by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold narcissistic supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc
How should the persons nearest and dearest to the narcissist cope with his eccentric vagaries?
The short answer is by abandoning him or by threatening to abandon him.
The threat to abandon need not be explicit or conditional ("If you don't do something or if you do it, I will desert you"). It is sufficient to confront the narcissist, to completely ignore him, to insist on respect for one's boundaries and wishes, or to shout back at him.
The narcissist is tamed by the very same weapons that he uses to subjugate others . . . every discordant note presages solitude, abandonment, and the resulting confrontation with his self.
Mirror the narcissist's actions and repeat his words. If he threatens, threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content.
The intention of this video is not to seek revenge on a narcissist or to establish contact with a narcissist. Today's video is about neutralizing a narcissist who is targeting you as an emotional, physical, and psychic supply.
Knowledge is power.
How to Defend Yourself from Narcissists. Observe Don't Absorb Technique. Neutralize Narcissists
Ross Rosenberg, author and codependency expert, discusses a technique he developed that empowers and assists recovering codependents with their struggles with their narcissistic loved ones. This is a revolutionary technique that will help anyone disconnect from an emotionally manipulative person's (an addict or pathological narcissist) attempts to bring them into their world of chaos and drama. As George Bernard Show once said, "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty,and besides, the pig likes it." This video will help the recovering codependent to not "wrestle" with their manipulative narcissist. Ross is the author of the Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us, which can be purchased at www.HumanMagnetSyndrome.com
Going into the ring, is like ingesting toxins - we lose our emotional control.
Watch, no affective connection. Healthy detachment.
Watch and listen, don't react.
Watch the strategies, watch body posture, facial reactions.
Identify what the person is doing, to try to get reaction.
Book: the Human Magnet Syndrome.
5 Key Phrases You Can Use to Disarm a Narcissist - Reclaim Your Control
Ever wish you had a phrase up your sleeve to help you disarm a narcissist? Ever wish you could outsmart a narcissist? This video offers you 5 key phrases you can use to disarm a narcissist the next time you get into some kind of a verbal altercation with them.
1) I'm sorry you feel that way. (In other words, don't defend yourself, don't engage, no entanglement.
2) I can accept your faulty perception of me. (Again, you're not engaging - in other words, cut psychic cords.)
3) I have no right to control how you see me. (You acknowledge that you're seen in a way that you don't agree with, and that you're not interested in engaging.)
4) I guess that's I have to accept how you feel. (or, You're entitled to your own perceptions.)
5) Your anger is not my responsibility. (Often narcissists attract empaths - look for power and control. Co deps looking for validation, fear anger. Only one self: narcissist.)
[N]arcissists are among the most vindictive people you'll ever meet.
Reject them and they'll freak out.
Act weak and they'll try to victimize you.
Expose them and they'll hate you forever.
It's just not worth it.
Don't expect fairness.
They're just about themselves, right?
Well, O.K. then. Know what you want. (They will, trust me.)
And then get them to pay up front with whatever it is you need before they get what they need.
They will rarely be offended by people looking out for themselves.
Ask them, "What would people think?"
Narcissists don't feel guilt, only shame.
They're all about appearances, right?
If they believe something will hurt their reputation, they will think twice.
Relationships with narcissists are about blame: "I feel bad, and it's your fault." What is a narcissist? Narcissistic partners are self-centered with an excessive need for attention and admiration. They control with anger, violence, criticism, irritation, righteousness, invasive energy, and emotional drama. They use both blatant and concealed control to get the attention he or she wants and hold others responsible for their feelings of pain and joy. It is your job to make sure that their needs are met. All forms of narcissistic abuse result from failure to feel compassion. They don't care about how you feel. Failure of compassion is abuse. Trying to prevent outbursts, the victims of narcissists "walk on egg shells" to keep the peace.
It is very important to acknowledge the anger that you feel or you will continue to accept behaviors that hurt you. Staying in denial, it is likely you will suffer from fear, emotional pain, or shame.
The open expression of anger towards the narcissist will not solve the problem and could be dangerous. Anger and threats usually provoke further hostility and rage.
“Playing people" is what narcissists do whenever they are not sleeping. They also play entities, if they believe doing so will help them accrue money and/or power.
Normally, the need to employ the splitting defense (someone is all good or all bad) wanes as a child ages. For some (like narcissists), however, it does not, and the child remains a splitter into adulthood. People in his world are put on pedestals one moment and knocked off the next, making intimate emotional relationships a pipe dream. Even non-intimate relationships with narcissists are nightmarish: What constitutes "great work" on Monday can become "unprofessional, inappropriate behavior" by Thursday, for reasons discernible only to seers, soothsayers, or shrinks.
Narcissists regularly rise to the top of workplace hierarchies owing to a unique ability to secure approval and admiration, two forms of recognition they need to survive in the way the rest of us need oxygen and water. Worse yet, narcissists are able to ascend to the upper echelons of organizations without revealing their true colors until they amass enough power to make it unnecessary to sustain their facade. Once a narcissist can say, "screw you" with impunity, he will use splitting to cut the legs out from under everyone he previously set-up to believe they were cared for.
To avoid being played in this manner, study the following five (5) characteristics of narcissists and the strategies for managing them. Failing to grasp what you are dealing with guarantees that a narcissist will make your life a living hell.
1) Over-promising. What can you do about narcissists' over-promising? Keep your expectations of what they will deliver as low as possible, and understand they will give you only what they need to sustain your involvement with them. When you no longer serve a function in their life, they'll dump you. Until that day comes, play their game: Never expect anything from them you do not pay for— in advance and in excess of fair market value.
2) Fake befriending. When a narcissist appears to be befriending you he is really engaged in complex process of creating quid pro quo deals. If you know this, wear a Kevlar vest to protect your heart and play your own version of "Let's Make A Deal." If a narcissist invites you to his beach house, have him visit your ski lodge. Then, regardless of which retreat you are at, never delude yourself into believing the narcissist enjoys your company. He wants you to feel "special" so if he needs you, you'll respond like Pavlov's dogs.
3) Narcissistic rage. Never Criticize A Narcissist. Present Constructive Feedback As Mild Praise. When you criticize a narcissist –regardless of how accurate you are— you run the risk of inflicting a "narcissistic injury" and becoming the target of "narcissistic rage." If you have an issue with a narcissist never point a finger of blame at him. Any accusation will cause him to feel shame, and nothing wounds a narcissist more than humiliation. Instead, tell him you need his help to you understand your world. His view won't jibe with yours, but if you repeat the request often enough, using measured words in a calm manner, you may elicit an awareness of obligation in a person whose mother told him he was her "Sun," and never realized that what she should have called him was "son."
4) Never ignore a narcissistic. On the street narcissists are called "egomaniacs," not because their egos are blown out-of-proportion from achievements, but owing to their maniacal obsession with themselves. To work for or with a narcissist you must be responsive the moment they demand attention. If you do react as desired, what can save you from psychic torment is learning to temper the narcissist's demands without incurring his wrath.
5) Have Compassion For The Narcissist. Do not mistake my compassion for narcissists as directing you to befriend them. If you try to and succeed, your victory will be short-lived. You can also try to imagine how you would feel suffering a chronic need to hear that the world holds you in high regard, knowing you will crumble like a house of cards if your self-deceptions aren't validated. Think of narcissists as suffering chronic pain; harboring the deluded belief that living the good life will cure them.
How To Stop Being Manipulated by Narcissists
Client's question: what is my motivation for letting her manipulate me? I think it's because it always seems easier than fighting with her.
Ever had to deal with someone who was hyper-sensitive, extremely emotional, reactive, and on a hair trigger, defensive and furious at even the hint of disapproval or criticism of something they've done, constantly making demands and projecting expectations and disappointment? Someone who reacts to things that happened long ago as if they're happening right now? Someone whose pettiness is only surpassed by their sense of entitlement? Chances are, you were dealing with, and most likely being manipulated by, a narcissist.
The narcissist expects your empathy and offers none in return.
Narcissism is actually pretty easy to deal with, once you recognize it for what it is and make the decision to stop feeding it.
Stay and Do Nothing
Your first choice is to stay and do nothing except what they want you to do. This will not stop you from being manipulated by narcissists!
If you're dealing with toxic or malignant narcissism, RUN!
Set the Boundary and Let Go
Letting go of the struggle is actually a great option for anyone wanting to hold on to their sanity in the presence of narcissistic behavior.
You can sound as sympathetic as possible, but the boundary you set must be a firm one (no backing away from it on your part!)
Look Right Through Them
That's right. Stare at them in disbelief while saying absolutely nothing as they do their rage and tears routine. Then, when they're done saying whatever they have to say, take aim at a direction and go do that instead. "I'm going over here now."
Kill Them With Kindness:
Sometimes the best way to kill a monster that is consuming mass quantities of resources is to give them more than they can handle. The narcissist is addicted to your praise, so give it to them. Lavish it on them, thick as you can. You've seen what happens in the movies: It's too rich for their blood and they explode from the overdose!
Stand Up To It (Deal With The Rage)
The main reason people let a narcissist manipulate them is to avoid dealing with the emotional outbursts that accompany every instance of their not getting their way. But if you know it's coming, you don't have to fear it, you can plan for it instead. But let me be perfectly clear: Standing up to a narcissist is not going to make your dealings with them easier, though it might feel really good to do it, and they may acquiesce (don't hold your breath!)
More likely, they'll set out on a rampage and try to get even with you, or undermine you, or in some way punish you for failing to comply with their wishes. Oh well. My feeling is, laugh it off and LET THEM DO THEIR WORST, because with most narcissists it's just a lot of noise anyway.
Run Far, Run Fast
Just to reiterate: I wouldn't stand up to the power obsessed malignant narcissist. There's no payoff, and they may actually try a vengeance fueled scorched earth kill-em-all approach in reaction. With someone who is toxic or malignant, I advise you to RUN FOREST RUN!'
Pygmalion Power, Gentle Confrontation
You can read about these skills in my book, Insider's Guide To The Art Of Persuasion.
Yes, No, Got To Go
The best strategy I've found for dealing with toxic narcissists is what I call ‘Yes, No, Got To Go.' It's the same way you would respond to a dinnertime telemarketer. It's also the way the narcissist treats you. The yes is where you appear to agree with whatever they say to you, or not to show any resistance. After all, there's no point in resisting what they're saying to you, as arguing or trying to get them to empathize with you is highly unlikely. So you just go with it, nodding your head, grunting occasionally. Then when they try to manipulate you into doing something, or taking something on, say, "Um, that's not going to happen." Or, "I'm not going to do that." Or "I'm not going to be in the middle of that." Or, "I'm not going to take that on." And then, exit stage left by finding some short term desired outcome that requires you elsewhere, and moving towards it. "Oh, got to go! Buh Bye!" The first part gives no resistance, so you're not crossing swords with them. The second part is when you establish a strong boundary. And the third part is moving away, so as not to become their narcissistic supply.
Deal With The Real Issue: YOU!
If you find yourself preyed on and manipulated by a narcissist, then the real issue isn't the narcissist. It's your own self esteem issues, your own lack of confidence, your own psychic spaces where you feel inadequate (I can't handle strong emotions), incapable (I can never think of what to say) and imprisoned (I either cooperate or she punishes me). That's what they've been using for leverage with you. Deal with that, take away that leverage, and you'll have the strength you need to take positive steps and end the manipulation once and for all. As you come to identify yourself with your creativity, intelligence, integrity and ability, you'll find less space available in your life for the narcissist to get rent free.
It's never about you with a narcissist. It's also important to note that when they're complimenting you, they expect you to reciprocate even if you don't mean it or you don't know what you're saying to be true.
A narcissist knows that what they're putting across and what you're saying to put them on a pedestal, is not true.
Engaging with a narcissist is in effect, trying to make sense out of nonsense.
Narcissists are very clever at taking grains of truth and building an argument. They defend the grains with the ferocity that makes it all too easy to forget logic, never mind reality and the actual truth.
Someone being narcissistically inclined is a good enough reason to go.
The narcissist being the highly insecure person that they are, cannot keep up the act that they presented in the beginning. There isn't a ‘solution' to their narcissism, so all the people pleasing in the world or trying to find a magic solution to make them become who they presented as at the beginning or during the ‘good times', just blocks your exit from the cycle.
When they make a sudden exit or bail, it's because that way you can't argue back and so the ego and story they tell themselves remains intact. If they spread lies, it's to trash you to get ahead of your story—to discredit you.
If it feels as if someone has come along and bombed your existence or hijacked your reality, in all likelihood, you've been involved with an assclown.
Narcissistic rage is one of the classic behaviors of the narcissist. Most narcissistic victims have experienced serious outbursts of narcissistic rage which can include violent physical attacks, hysteria, screaming and verbal or emotional abuse.
Narcissistic rage covers a wide range of behaviors from aloofness or mild irritability to serious, physically violent attacks. A narcissist often makes unrealistic demands on those closest to them. These demands are often challenged by their partner, family member, or colleague. The narcissist has a fragile ego that cannot stand to ever be wrong or viewed as imperfect, therefore the narcissist responds with feelings of rage and contempt toward the challenger. When challenged or slighted in the least, the narcissist perceives these as outright attacks on him and reacts with rage toward that person in order to regain feelings of superiority and assuage his self esteem.
For Kohut, narcissistic rage can also be related to narcissists' need for total control of their environment, including "the need for revenge, for righting a wrong, for undoing a hurt by whatever means". It may also involve self-protection and preservation, with rage serving to restore a sense of safety and power by destroying that which had threatened the narcissist.
Narcissists utilize "projection" during their rages. They accuse the victim of being selfish, inconsiderate, jealous, dishonest, or conceited but what they are actually projecting is their own feelings of inadequacy in those areas.
Narcissists can, and often do, contradict themselves in the same breath. Sometimes they claim they said something which they did not actually say, blaming the victim for not listening. Or they do actually say something but claim they never did.
What NOT to do
Don't respond to narcissistic rage. If you react in any way to their rage, it will continue to escalate. You can never "win" an argument with a narcissist, because by their very nature they are irrational. If it looks like they will follow you to keep verbally assaulting you, just listen to them until they sputter out. Don't try to engage them verbally. If they escalate to where it looks like they may become physically- violent- get out.
Do not rage back. Almost any response you give -other than completely agreeing with what the narcissist says- is going to fan the flames. Raging back is a sure-fire way to escalate the situation quickly.
Do not believe that anything you say or don't say, do or don't do, will change the person or the situation.
Do not try to use logic or reason as this will simply prolong the altercation. There is no room for your opinion or point of view. Don't try to use reason as they are irrational; trying to further explain something just stokes the fire and lengthens the confrontation.
Tips for dealing with the rage
If your narcissist is raging, then you have (or someone has) wounded their self-esteem. Nothing will bring them relief until you have been punished for that deed. The punishment may include screaming, ranting, verbal or emotional abuse, and may even escalate to physical violence. Depending on the situation and relationship, you may be stalked, harassed, abused or even attacked until they feel you've suffered enough for hurting them.
In most situations of rage, it's better to either defuse the narcissist's anger or walk away from the fight. It's important to pick your battles with a narcissist (not usually during a rage) and to wait for a time where there is a better chance that the narcissist will listen to you, rather than you responding impulsively during one of their rages.
How do I AVOID the narcissist's rage? Leave, and physically distance yourself from them as far away as possible. Then ignore any and all attempts they make to contact or communicate with you, or to engage with you in any form or fashion. They may try intervening with a third party or using social media. Do not fall for it. They are masters at baiting and reeling people back in.
If you cannot leave, or choose not to leave, here are some tips for dealing with it:
Establish your boundaries. Firmly state your boundaries and then leave the room, get out of the car, or walk away if at all possible. (Example: "I do not allow myself to be treated this way or spoken to like this. I'll be glad to talk to you about it when you're calmer.") They may follow you, still screaming, but stick to the boundaries you've stated. If you do this consistently, they will learn that their rage attacks won't work with you.
Learn to be calm for your own well being. Meditation is a very effective way to slow down your breathing, racing thoughts and anxieties. It also creates a sense of detachment from the narcissistic drama. If you can't physically distance yourself, you can mentally and emotionally distance yourself.
Learn to not overreact to the narcissist's rage. That is what he/she wants you to do. The action of ‘no reaction' to their rage is powerful and keeps you in control of the situation.
Accept the narcissists view for the moment. Back down without being obvious (which would just make him or her more enraged) and you can defuse the rage by agreeing with the key points for the moment- until a calmer time when you can actually discuss the issue. Try to understand the mindset of the angry individual (he's hurt and lashing out, he's feeling insecure, etc.).
Create distance. Remove yourself physically from the drama by going to another room, office, outside or the car.
Speak softly, don't threaten or challenge.
Ask for time to think about what he is saying or try to come up with a win-win solution.
Remember the rage is not about you, it is about the narcissist. No matter how much he blames you, remember WHY he rages—it is about him and his perceptions. Everything is always about the narcissist. When you can operate from that point of view, it is easier to deal with the rages and other issues a narcissist brings to a relationship.
Loads and loads more is available online.
Instead of giving any quick responses, I'll leave it with you. What are your experiences - especially, any experiences of successful responses?
And at the very end, an image showing rage in Islam and the Left - vs rage in the traditional West.
All the best to all who care and dare,
Narcissism and the narcissistic personality:
vindictive rage, surface charm.
No empathy, no reasoning,
Think of Islam and the Left.
PS. Here are a couple of major recent sendouts.
MUSIC - JUSTIN TRUDEAU. WALKING WITH THE DEVIL
ESSENTIAL DOCTRINE IN ISLAM: al Walaa wal Baraa - basically Islamic apartheid, completely against the Golden Rule:
FINALLY: RAGE vs REASON:
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posted June 25, 2017
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Narcissism and the narcissistic personality:
vindictive rage, surface charm.
No empathy, no reasoning,
Think of Islam and the Left.
Narcissism and the narcissistic personality:
vindictive rage, surface charm.
No empathy, no reasoning,
Think of Islam and the Left.
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